The Desire to Overcome

“That is why you fail.” The words of Yoda are running through my head.

In my pursuit to deal with past hurts: anger, guilt, shame, abuse (to me and by me) I struggled to overcome; beating these things, a finality of dealing with myself and mastering them (they are not me, they’re my past). In doing so I ignore who I’ve been and who I am.

My scars, pains and hurts change me. They make me who I am today, color my reactions, change the way I think. My behaviors, conscience and subconscious have new channels set into my being, my self-definition; it makes me a different person. I attempt to eradicate them by a mental surgery of the self: covering up or eliminating my scars instead of dealing with them as part of my self identity. A recognition needs to take place. I need to acknowledge I am changed, finding a way to live with my new self identity and accepting my scars as who I’ve become. Failure and hurt will continue until I can see them as part of me.

Floating to the Surface

When I initiated into Vodou this year, I tried to prepare myself by tackling my issues. I’ve wrote about many of them earlier this year: fear, anger, trust – I tried to face my demons. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the road.

Since initiation, I’ve had many more of my issues come to light. On one hand, I feel the spirits are trying to ready me to be a better Oungan. I am seeing more and more of my deep rooted problems float to the surface.

Facing Addiction

The most difficult are the things I’m addicted to. I’m having to look back onto my life to this point and see how things have brought me to where I’m standing. Currently this is dealing was childhood pains and fears – and my addiction to the drink.

Change: This indecision’s bugging me

Tomorrow I interview for a new job. I’m really comfortable with whether I get it or not; I love my current job. It’s one of the most satisfying jobs I’ve had in my career. I’m kicking butt and having fun, so why am I applying for a new job? Reward, plain and simple. My current job just doesn’t reward me enough for my hard work. As much as I’m successful, the rewards just aren’t there. Also, I would be good at the new job.

I’m scared of failure. I know I’ll stretch myself in new ways into new areas. I’ll have to do more grunt work, and there will be more work overall. I’m also afraid of it intruding into my personal life. I hope I’ve learned how to successfully balance personal and work time. In the new job, I’ll be the person where the buck stops.

Facing Your Demons

As I get closer to my initiation, I’ve been using these entries to face my demons and fears, to face myself. I know I’m taking a first step on a long, many forked road; a good house cleaning is needed to allow me to continue. The road ahead is long, difficult, but rewarding. This is the path of growth and self-discovery.

I’ve never been an avid journal keeper but I’ve been a writer for a long time. My journalism teacher tried to instill a thick skin on me. I debated whether to share this, or keep it private, but the writer in me asked to put it out there – make it public, share my good and bad sides. I try and learn from it.

So here I am, facing my demons: anger, fear, trust, hurt, shame. It’s there good and bad alike. I have tools like meditation, silence, listening, learning and loving. I’m waking up from a long sleep of stagnation and moving into my next phase. There is fierceness in my life. I want to give back.

Superstition

What are you superstitious about? Do you have any idea why you are that way?

I have a confession. I’m the one with the black cat; his name is Sabbath. He’s a good little guy. He isn’t one of those house cats, but a full-fledged working barn cat. He’s our mouser and he takes his job seriously. He also lives in one of the nicest bachelor pads a cat could dream of: our heated tack room. He circles and rubs against my legs vying for a pet, rub or scratch. A black cat crossing my path is not one of my superstitions – he crosses my path every day. He might have crossed yours.

That’s not to say I don’t ever have my own superstitions. I find myself occasionally knocking on wood to avoid messing up my fate after saying something. (If no wood is nearby, we strangely knock on our own foreheads and say “knock on wood.”) I don’t worry about hair loss, because I believe if I worry about it, it will come true.