Monday, August 2, 2010

Change: This indecision’s bugging me

Tomorrow I interview for a new job. I’m really comfortable with whether I get it or not; I love my current job. It’s one of the most satisfying jobs I’ve had in my career. I’m kicking butt and having fun, so why am I applying for a new job? Reward, plain and simple. My current job just doesn’t reward me enough for my hard work. As much as I’m successful, the rewards just aren’t there. Also, I would be good at the new job.

I’m scared of failure. I know I’ll stretch myself in new ways into new areas. I’ll have to do more grunt work, and there will be more work overall. I’m also afraid of it intruding into my personal life. I hope I’ve learned how to successfully balance personal and work time. In the new job, I’ll be the person where the buck stops.

When I started my previous business back in 1996, I was told by my employer then that I wasn’t cutthroat enough to survive as a business owner. I’d be back within a year. I lasted seven years with that company I formed, well past the five years where most new businesses fail. It was a tremendous success. In fact, it proved I can do just about anything I set my mind to, just about any position in a business. It also showed me my strengths and weaknesses. It taught me many valuable lessons. I’m going to be living some of those hard-fought lessons in the new job, if it works out. I’ll have to face some of my fears and doubts again.

It’s hard stretching myself out of my comfort zone. I know I don’t have to stretch myself to continue kicking butt in my current job. It’s easy. It’s not hard work for me. However, I’m growing bored with the stagnation of staying in the same position at the same place for too long. I need a change to keep it fun and exciting. That means leaving my comfort zone. That means extending myself in new ways. It means trying something new and taking a chance.

The new job is a different position within the same company; I’m not trying to leave. I love my coworkers. I feel that I can do more with this company.

So this is where I am, feeling a bit of discomfort. I have to admit I have indecision. I have to admit it forces me to doubt myself. I have to know I have it in me. To be fair to myself, I’ve been doing the job I’m applying for in some fashion for awhile now. I’ve been covering for others in areas they don’t necessarily understand.

What is it that causes this doubt? Change. Change is scary. I’m taking on something new and hoping but not knowing it’s something better. I can admit it’s time to move on, move beyond what I’m doing. It’s hard to know what to change to, hard to embrace that change.

If I fail, there are always alternatives. There are always other jobs, other places, other opportunities. The change will happen one way or another. I’ve kicked around the idea of starting another company, a green one. One that betters the environment and the way we live. That’s an even bigger change, an even bigger gamble. Can I really commit to struggling with making ends meet with another company?

To look at this current opportunity, the one I’m interviewing for tomorrow, it is a step in that direction. It can be seen as the in-between point where I solidify skills I possess, but not in the comfort and knowledge of my current position. I can see a direction to my life. It gets me from point A to point C through point B.

I don’t like having doubt. I want my life to be comfortable, solid, easy. I want to know that I have little to no risk. But without risk, I don’t advance. I stagnate. I want to keep moving. I want to advance.

I will give the interview my best. I will give the job my best. I will make mistakes and hope to learn from them. I often feel only by making mistakes, I will learn and improve. It’s not true, I often also learn from what I do right. But I expect to be doing a lot of learning over the next year. I also expect a lot of changes in my life, even if I don’t get this job.

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