Monday, October 18, 2010

I Walk Alone

I was originally going to write about hesitation, then I wasn’t because I figured I licked it. I feel I’ve returned to the same point. To put it bluntly, I’m having some issues. Worse, I feel terribly alone with them. I wish everything could be as nice and easy as my initiation was, but it’s not. I feel like I’m walking a path – and I’m the only one on it.

Some things just sync, they make sense and they’re going well. Others seem stuck in the mud, my mud. I can’t seem to get out of my rut. This is what I was calling hesitation. At times, I see it, I hear it – all is right with the world. At other times I can’t see it, I can’t hear it and I’m full of consternation. Worse is the realization that this is likely all my fault, my pause, my hesitation.

I’m not exactly sure what it is about me that causes inaction. I know with all surety what I need to do. I have a pretty good idea how to do it. Yet there is something about me, some flaw in my character that causes me to not do the things I really need to do. I need to push beyond my bad habits, my laziness needs to be overcome.

With all of this is the realization that what I’m doing is causing more trouble for myself, more work that needs to be done. I’m buying on credit and at some point I’m going to have to pay the bill. My head gets lost with unending analogies. And that’s exactly how I feel. I just get lost inside my head. I want an easy path without a lot of work. I want someone to clear my way and I’ll just follow along but somewhere along the way I’ve lost the trail and my guide. Now I walk alone.

I have tools I can use. I can sit and meditate. I do sing prayers. I try and feel with my heart, my head and my soul. At times I feel I can grasp it but it’s like trying to grab water with your hand, it just slips through my fingers.

So I’m going to return back to basics, my roots. I’m going to try and lay some foundation enabling myself to feel, hear and see.

While I write this I feel so connected, like my confession reconnects me with what I’m missing. Maybe my ego’s just getting in the way – again. Maybe what I really need to do is just leave myself at the door.

Why does fall always do this to me?

1 comment:

  1. Fall is a clearing away, a reaping and culling... harsh, beautiful Oya giving you a sickle with which to cut out the unnecessary parts of your life. sometimes we get "stuck" so that we realize something important about ourselves, and when we do that we can get "unstuck." i'm often "stuck" and sometimes it just takes time, sometimes decisive action. i hope you realize what you need and have the courage to act and the patience to wait it out, whichever you need at this point. :)