As I get closer to my initiation, I’ve been using these entries to face my demons and fears, to face myself. I know I’m taking a first step on a long, many forked road; a good house cleaning is needed to allow me to continue. The road ahead is long, difficult, but rewarding. This is the path of growth and self-discovery.
I’ve never been an avid journal keeper but I’ve been a writer for a long time. My journalism teacher tried to instill a thick skin on me. I debated whether to share this, or keep it private, but the writer in me asked to put it out there – make it public, share my good and bad sides. I try and learn from it.
So here I am, facing my demons: anger, fear, trust, hurt, shame. It’s there good and bad alike. I have tools like meditation, silence, listening, learning and loving. I’m waking up from a long sleep of stagnation and moving into my next phase. There is fierceness in my life. I want to give back.
Demons are difficult to face because I create them. They are parts of myself I lock away. They continue to torment me in those dark places from inside where they lurk. I fool myself into thinking if I lock them up tighter, they can’t hurt me, but I fail to acknowledge that they feed on that darkness, grow in strength through my bondage and take root to rule me from the depths, from the dark.
The only way to defeat a demon is to face it.
This means admitting things about myself I don’t want to. Things like – I can be a God-awful bastard sometimes. It’s not a secret – it’s not like my friends don’t know it, but we all dance around it. Whatever your particular demon is, you lock it away, you keep it inside and little by little, it grows.
So airing these out I relive my ugly parts. They may not actually be ugly, but that’s how I’ve treated them. I need to pull them out, see them for what they are. I need to acknowledge them.
I struggle against this but I need to. I have enough obstacles ahead without carrying extra baggage around with me. Am I ejecting them all, of course not. My trunk is pretty full. But I’m trying to get them out and see them for what they are.
I try to release my fears, my guilt, my demons, as many as I can before initiation. I am forcing them out to cease their power over me. I need to lighten the load. My obstacles ahead will take strength.
I hope I’m doing well.